The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Randomize