I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Please don't give away my fajitas
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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