The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
