I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize