happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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