DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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