I want to walk on stilts...naked
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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