you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
