Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
