Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
