I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
