the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize