Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
