We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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