i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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