The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
