I want to walk on stilts...naked
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
