I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
