so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
