im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize