Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
