What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
