She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Randomize