my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I am one with the molecules
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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