I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
