I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
