I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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