yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
