I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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