He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
