I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
