I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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