i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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