I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
