I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
