I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
