So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
