I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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