i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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