Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
