Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
