why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
