just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
