Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize