Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
