Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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