he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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