the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
