Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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