Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
