Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
