I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
