if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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