Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
