I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
