It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize