I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
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