2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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