God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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