Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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