come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
