this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
