ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
