I want to have your abortion
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
