I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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