My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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