there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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