4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Everyone says I win the strip club
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
