Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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